rough waters

The last day or so has taken a toll on me.

My emotions come in waves throughout the year. The last few days those waves have crashed over me. I'm finding it hard to find my way to the top and catch my breath. Lucky for me I have my angels that pick me up in the midst of this crash and help me to shore.

I'm not sure what I would do without those people.

I cannot explain how it feels to love and feel loss...to live but feel dead...to smile and yet wipe away invisible tears. It's a slap in your face when you feel like the happiest, the luckiest, the most loved person in the world and yet deep inside your life will never be complete and always have saddness lurking around, ready to jump out in front of you when things are looking up.

It's been 8 years of this battle and somehow I manage to keep fighting and keep smiling.

Thank you all for bearing with me and being there for me.
You all keep me alive.

oh my sweet ryan

i found today that my absolute favorite musician is engaged to mandy moore.

i'm sad because he's now unavailable.

my boyfriend is sad because she's now unavailable.

guess we'll just have to settle for each other.